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Sunday, July 26, 2020

Sheltering in the Kitchen

My days are predictably pleasant, if you don't go too far below the surface.

 

Yesterday the CBC and I spent the morning making masks. Lunch was soup and the last of the little salty rolls I'd made from the Internet recipe. After lunch I was free. To me that means free to read, though to some it might mean free to wash the windows or mop the kitchen floor.

 

I read for an hour and then, even though I was gripped by the story, I felt like a slug for not doing my work. So I went to the kitchen at 2:30 and here's what I did. I started another batch of those salty rolls from the Internet. I made a custard/cheesecake-y thing with a crust of dry bread crumbs, eight boughten shortbread cookies someone gave us, and a little butter. While that baked in its piepan, I gathered every leftover dairy product in the fridge and made a filling (yogurt, previously frozen milk, Montforte soft cheese flavoured with orange, and ricotta). I added four eggs, 2 tablespoons of sugar, and some vanilla. I poured this into the pie shell and put it back into the oven.

 

By now it was time to start the actual supper, which was to be steamed broccoli and carrots, steamed for healthiness but served with a bagna cauda sauce to offset the healthiness. I'd never thought to use bagna cauda as anything but an extravagantly fatty party dip to make once every five years. But I have recently developed a strong craving for anchovies, so bagna cauda has now become a staple: olive oil, butter, anchovies, garlic, and a little lemon zest, all melted together. My anchovies, the salted ones in the round flat tin, dissolve in the oil.

 

So there I was, working away. The sauce was simmering nicely and I was prepping the broccoli when I smelled smoke and burning metal. I'd turned on the wrong burner and was on the verge of setting fire to a cookie sheet that I had lazily set aside on that burner.

 

Oh, no problem. I turned the vent on high, removed the cookie sheet, and let my heart rate return to normal. Having thus been alerted to possible mental lapses, I checked the oven and discovered that the pie/cheesecake thing was ready, so I took it out.

 

Still piddling away in the kitchen twenty minutes later,

I was surprised when my portable timer, which I wear on the front of my apron, began its insistent beep-beep-beep. I stood at the stove for two minutes trying to figure out why the timer was beeping. Although I saw that the oven was on, I had no memory of having put anything into it. I knew I'd taken the cheesecake thing out of the oven. I wasn't making bread—or cookies, or a cake. Finally, not finding any answers in my memory bank, I opened the oven and looked in. And there was the pan of rolls that I had obviously put in to bake after I took the cheesecake out. If I hadn't had the foresight to set the timer, those little buttery rolls might have continued baking for another hour or two, which would have done them no good at all and would definitely have set off the smoke alarm. So: problem averted by the beloved portable timer—and not for the first time.

 

 

 
Copyright © 2020 Ann Tudor
Musings blog: http://www.scenesfromthejourney.blogspot.com
Audible.Ca: go to https://www.audible.ca and search for Ann Tudor
Audible.Com: go to https://www.audible.com and search for Ann Tudor




 

Sunday, July 19, 2020

Paying Attention to What Is

Such distractions we are engaging in. We send each other—from coast to coast to coast—virtual care packages of humour or song, we binge-watch shows we love or shows we missed the first time around. We take to baking and bemoan the unavailability of yeast or flour ("I just scored three pounds of yeast," someone boasts. Good luck with that.)

 

We fill our days with cheerful trivia to mask the dread. And there's nothing wrong with that; who wants to wallow in dread the whole livelong day? But we need also to pay attention (our endless and proper work, according to Mary Oliver), and this means paying attention even to the dread.

 

Because it's there. It's our bitter awareness that the cocoon of security we had built around ourselves was as illusory as everything else. I always come back to Helen Keller's comment on security and how it is in no way a part of Nature. It is a construct with no reality. I can remember my shock when I read this thirty years ago, but it was exactly what I needed to hear.

 

Let me send you another recipe (oh, those rolls were so good). Here is a beautiful four-part a capella rendition of "Smile", recorded in 2017, when quartet members could cluster cozily to produce their harmonies. Here's another Trump joke. We race across the surface of our lives, flapping our arms as fast as we can in an attempt to fly away from this hard coronavirus reality.

 

In a very small way I lived through World War II. I was five years old in 1941. My few memories of the time are pretty benign: my three-year-old brother climbed on the dining room table and ate the entire week's ration of butter. My mother made long, ugly blackout curtains to cover each window, for even tiny towns like ours needed to exclude all lights lest they serve as beacons for putative enemy bombers crossing the continent in search of larger cities to destroy. But even these little memories remind me of the ephemeral nature of the ordinary.

 

My children and grandchildren have never seen this level of uncertainty. When will this be over? No one knows (just like a war). What will the future look like? No one knows (just like a war). We can hope and we can pray. We can follow the guidelines: wear masks, wash hands, and shelter safely. But ultimately, no one knows.

 

There's neither cure (and we are so accustomed to throwing antibiotics at whatever dares to invade us) nor vaccine (we're always looking for that bubble to protect and separate us from Nature). Our future is uncertain. But we are Man and we simply don't like not knowing. Isn't that what eating the apple was all about?

 

We could rant and rave about this (some of us do). But most of us cover up our dread and keep busy. Send another joke, song, anecdote. Take up a new project, even if it's that unreliable business of sourdough. But in our quieter moments we need to acknowledge the dread.

 

 

Copyright © 2020 Ann Tudor
Musings blog: http://www.scenesfromthejourney.blogspot.com
Audible.Ca: go to https://www.audible.ca and search for Ann Tudor
Audible.Com: go to https://www.audible.com and search for Ann Tudor




 

Sunday, July 12, 2020

Recipes for Living

All our social recipes have had to be revised during this pandemic. Relationships that were stably based on the routine of life have been blown to smithereens by the pressure cooker of constant togetherness. (I'm remembering here the one time I tried to use a pressure cooker, when the steam vent blew and I had smithereens of whatever it was all over the ceiling.)

 

There are so many variations on this enforced togetherness: two parents working from home while tending to three-year-old twins. So far I think that's the family I would least like to trade places with. But also those whose 20-something children have come back to the nest where both parents are out of work and future prospects look grim. Or parents of school-age children seeing the defects of on-line teaching as their children pine for friends. Or single people isolated for months.

 

And these are just a few of the situations I know of. The luckiest people are us. The two of us and so many friends in the same boat: both retired. Introverts. Foodies. People with pensions (the last generation with decent pensions). The only worries we (the wider "we") have is finding how to live together every minute of the day. Or rather, finding ways to separate just enough so we don't kill each other. (And if we –the wider "we"—feel that urge, we with our optimal situations, then imagine the homicidal urges popping up in the daily lives of those we know and love.)

 

So we need a different recipe for living right now. We need more breathing. More space—mental and emotional if not physical. We need more compassion, arms wide apart to signal the start of a virtual hug. More gratitude. More gratitude. More gratitude.

 

 

Copyright © 2020 Ann Tudor
Musings blog: http://www.scenesfromthejourney.blogspot.com
Audible.Ca: go to https://www.audible.ca and search for Ann Tudor
Audible.Com: go to https://www.audible.com and search for Ann Tudor




 

Sunday, July 5, 2020

What I Heart

I've had a lot more awareness of "heart" during this pandemic. Perhaps I used to bop along with a song in my heart (which might be just an earworm) but these days I find more poignancy than songs in my heart. The first awareness I had of this was when I was imagining doing something—a project, something useful, something artistic—and instead of becoming excited at the prospect of this engagement, my heart sank. My heart sank when I urged myself to go beyond my usual pandemic activity of reading or cooking. My heart sank. Not an expression I used much in the olden days.

 

Then, this weekend I discovered that I have a hole in my heart as big as the stall at a farmers' market. As I regard the coming Saturday mornings without our traditional walk up to Dundas for the Junction Farmers' Market. Or a Thursday afternoon walk over to the Dufferin Grove Farmers' Market, all I see is emptiness.

 

Sometimes, it isn't until something is gone that we recognize its value. I've always known that I like "doing" the markets. I like slipping on my big basket backpack and setting off like some old-timey housewife to bring home the bacon—and the tomatoes and lettuce as well.

 

Our markets are doing their best to find ways to connect farmers with customers. But I don't get a thrill from going on line, selecting a farmer's pre-chosen box, then paying for it through PayPal or Venmo so that I can, on the designated day at the designated time, stand in line to be given my brown paper bag of vegetable treasures. I can't fault them. My heart goes out to the farmers, for whom this prefab version of a market is bound to be considerably less lucrative than their usual appearances at the summer markets.

 

But I can't do it. At least not yet. I want to go to Steph's stall and see what she's offering this week. Go to the Sosnitsky stall and say, "Is Ben not here today?" Listen to snatches of conversation from my fellow shoppers. See the musician of the day. Watch the kids begging for a fruit popsicle or a baked treat.

 

I want my farmers back. I want to choose the particular box of cherry tomatoes that will serve my particular needs for the week. I want my farmers' markets back!!

 

All right. It's safe to come out. The tantrum is over. At least, the yelling part of it. As I was coming to grips this weekend with how important the markets are to me, I realized that the reason I put up with Toronto winters--the scarves and hats and gloves and boots--for all those bitter months is that I know my markets will be here for me in the summer. And I will be here for them. I will pay whatever is asked, grateful to the farmers for driving into town so that we can buy directly from them and they can sell directly to us.

 

Green beans. New potatoes. Radishes of all sorts. Fat lettuces. Little leaves of greens. Various kales: dark, pale, red-tipped. Foraged mushrooms. Rainbow carrots and chard. Onions through the season, starting with scallions and moving the next week to small bulbs at the end of the long green stems. The week after that the bulbs are bigger. Then bigger. Later the stems are gone and we have the fresh onions, fat and not dried, followed in a few weeks by the keeping onions, dried and ready to be stored through the cold. And then the winter squashes, markers of the end of the market season.

 

I don't know how I'll manage. But I suppose we'll accept ordering on-line, even though it is as unsatisfactory for this purpose as Zoom is for family get-togethers. We'll adjust and be grateful. It's all about change, isn't it?

 

 
Copyright © 2020 Ann Tudor
Musings blog: http://www.scenesfromthejourney.blogspot.com
Audible.Ca: go to https://www.audible.ca and search for Ann Tudor
Audible.Com: go to https://www.audible.com and search for Ann Tudor