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Even as an adult, I have always said, "I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up." No matter what I chose to do, I felt unfinished, incomplete, and unfocused.
In a way I was proud of this. I contrasted my freewheeling open-to-every-possibility self with the legions of professional women locked into suits and high heels, or the additional legions of women mired in got-to-have-a-job positions that were overwhelmingly boring. I still didn't know what I wanted to do, but at least all my options were still open.
Oh, I worked. I held down jobs and dealt with vile bosses and supported myself, after a fashion. But I was never settled. Every three years I needed a change, and every ten years I needed a major change. After I moved to
So I spent the next ten years in crafts, makingmakingmaking all year long so that I could sell everything during one hectic weekend in November. This was fun for a while. And then, after ten years, I said, "Never again." No explanation, just "that's it." I sold or gave away almost all my fabrics and my yarns.
I immersed myself in holistic healing for ten years. Oh, THIS is what I was meant to do. But every time I heard myself say that, I knew it was not true. Whatever I was doing was good and interesting and very rewarding, but it was NOT what I was meant to do. It was not the final answer.
And now I've grown up. I've advanced beyond those temporary answers from the past. Now I know what I want to do. It feels right. And that's what it is: write.
Each of us is born alone and dies alone. We live our lives virtually in isolation, knowing very little of each other. We seldom get to see into even the person we are closest to, let alone a neighbor or a nephew or a friend. I think what I am meant to do is to write and as I write to show myself. It took me a long time to learn this, but now I know: when I grew up, I found I am a writer.
Copyright 2010 Ann Tudor
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